Mental Health Issue: DEPRESSION - Eats Away Your Soul, Corrupted Society

Pemberitaan media Indonesia digemparkan oleh kematian salah satu artis Korea—yang mungkin amat ternama (**well saya bukan K-poper, jadi kurang punya pengetahuan tentang hal ini). And I believe the reason why this news is so heartbreaking and accessed most because of it's "K-pop famous person". Ya tak bisa dipungkiri begitu berjibun penggemar K-pop di Indonesia, bahkan lingkup sekitar saya kadang amat noisy dengan ke-K-pop-an mereka.

Saya tertarik untuk ikut bersuara mengenai hal ini. Bukan pada artisnya, tapi pada bagaimana caranya untuk memutuskan hidupnya, hal yang ia ambil sebagai keputusan untuk hidupnya, keputusan terakhirnya.

Saya percaya bahwa si Jonghyun ini sangat harum namanya dan punya banyak sekali karya bersama boybandnya sehingga penggemar setianya lintas negara, karena meskipun saya tidak suka K-pop, saya pernah mendengar gaung sang boyband dan lagunya.

Banyak yang mengemukakan suara tentang kematiannya, caranya mengakhiri hidupnya, which is fortunately we still have so many clever people that do assess his way scientifically. By saying scientifically here I mean, that you assess his decision not basically because of your own mindset and account that it's right or wrong, it's acceptable or not, but looking deeper into the source of its method WITHOUT judging.

We know that—if you read the news articles already—he suffered from depression for so long. Yeah, DEPRESSION. And if you still might wonder, mengapa depresi bisa membuat seseorang begitu mudahnya memutuskan mengakhiri hidupnya,, listen to mine, my story.

I don't know how to begin mine, however, I'll try my best to make it orderly.

I was suffering from depression, or I don't know if I'm still suffering from it, or not.

But, clearly, depression is not a disease that you can cure easily by consuming a medicine, bedresting, or anything simple or easy in word.

If you ever heard anti-depressant or something that you might be offered before to release the tension and minimize the negative thoughts/symptoms from depression wondering in your mind to consume, it doesn't simply end everything, it doesn't simply free you from the mental illness. Instead, the DEPRESSION ITSELF IS CONSUMING YOU.

The depressive disorders eats away the very existence of yours. Bahasa gaulnya mungkin sakit tapi tak berdarah kali ya. That's what I felt back then.

Nah, kok bisa begitu?

Ya bisa. Bisa-bisa aja sih. That's what is called depression.

Karena kurang iman? Ya ada benarnya, tapi bukan semata-mata karena kurang iman otomatis depresi. Coba dipikir kembali, jika semua orang kurang iman = penderita depresi, bayangkan berapa juta, puluhan juta, ratusan juta, orang kah yang sekarang sedang depresi hanya karena kurang iman? Either way, we can't judge someone's faith, right? We can't value how much the faith they have in their hearts, right? You're not God, guys. Jangan semudah itu mengklaim someone kurang iman jika Anda pun sesama ciptaan-Nya, yang belum tentu "beriman" dalam kategori-Nya.

Dengan lebih beriman, seseorang dapat lebih bertawakal, mensyukuri semua yang ada, dan mengurangi rasa depresinya. Indeed, I can't agree for more with this. Tetapi, depresi bukan semata-mata berakar dari lemahnya sebuah dogma dalam dada, bukan sekedar ceteknya akal pikiran manusia.

Jika Anda mengatakan bahwa orang bunuh diri = bego, you've never there dude, in the same shoes like them. Diksi bego akan lebih cocok jika dialamatkan kepada Anda. Mengapa? Because you assume the idiocy of someone just because their action, not without thinking twice, not without assessing anything. Bayangkan ketika Anda bilang orang yang bunuh diri bego, apa mereka benar-benar bego? Bego dalam artian Anda apakah yang IQ ny cetek? Banyak dari orang yang bunuh diri bahkan adalah orang hebat, penemu ternama, artis terkenal, bagaimana mungkin orang yang punya HIDUP seperti mereka, Anda kategorikan bego—yang belum 

tentu Anda mempunyai achievement sendiri yang bisa dibanggakan.

One thing for sure, THEY'RE NOT ALIVE, INSIDE. Mereka hidup secara harfiah, namun mati secara lahiriah. Apa sih yang membuat seseorang hidup?

I'd like to say, the things that makes me keep alive (aside from basic human needs; oxygen, water, food, excretion process, etc.) are passion, love, secure feeling, belongingness, and ME.

And do you know why I ever got into major depression state? Because I had none of those above.

Those abstract things that can't be measured by others, and only can be valued by us alone.

In short, I was growing up in a situation where it made me feel that I was not wished for at all. It nullified how I valued myself. I wasn't living in a place where I felt like I was safe at all, I was always in constant anxiety, even since I was a child.

I couldn't bear the pain inside so many times. I tried to cover it up with physical pain, so that, I could manage my attention to both for giving a bit relief to my soul. I slapped myself, I did headbanging myself, injured my body, bitten myself 'til there were bruises appear. I DID MANY BAD THINGS TO MYSELF, to just relieve the unbearable pain. Don't you judge I never valued myself, I DID VALUE IT as far as I could, and I fell into a misery that I need to sort out the pain somehow and ended up dividing it to my body. Was I miserable? No. Don't pity me. I HATE IT IF SOMEONE PITYING ME. Dan jika kamu berandai-andai seandainya dialokasikan ke hal yang lebih positif. YEAH I DID IT TOO, let's name some methods I did for that; (1) writing a diary that people claim can be relaxing, no! It's the worst method ever at that time for me; (2) telling someone about the issues, how come, hey? O c'mon, in Indonesia we live in certain stereotype and our rants of psychological issues are being categorized as silly and trivial. If I told someone about that, I would surely fell into a misery deeper, I wasn't that stupid you know; (3) worked out my body 'til its itched everywhere, the tension was down with this method but the feeling, the feeling of despair still there, it couldn't be annihilated; (4) screamed out aloud, I was in a situation where it's impossible for me to access the place or time to screamed out aloud so I was screaming out loud at my littler chamber of imagination within my brain, just it, all in solitude; (5) did my hobbies, I didn't have so many access to my hobbies, so it didn't help much, and only temporary; (6) sharing with your family, ah do I even have a family? by blood, yes. by its feeling, vibes, trust, NO. Unfortunately, I have none.

I was so young since I suffered from those ill thoughts that created by me because of the surrounding around me. And it's even worse because, at that time, I WAS BLAMING MYSELF FOR BEING SO WEAK. I talked much to myself, damn too much. But, it's not a good thing at all, I couldn't support even me, I belittle my existence. I had none. I tried to be more adult for myself, I tried to find solutions for me, I helped myself out. I strived hard for having positive thoughts inside of me, ARTIFICIAL POSITIVE THOUGHTS at least I could live, I could move forward. I was so damn happy that I could create artificial dreams, daydreaming of something good, I could breathe a little easier feeling how's life going on. I was so happy for no reason to be able to...live before I realized the way that I lived is the worst way ever. I was fake...for the sake of living.

I believe, that this Jonghyun is better than me at bearing his depression by having others cheered up. It's such an angelic way. Very angelic. I mean...he was suffered, but he didn't want others to suffer. He wanted others to be happy no matter how miserable his state was. He didn't want others to feel the distressing feeling like he had. He still could think of others when he was in sorrow. It just makes me feel more agony and wretchedness of him. The depressive people are the vessels of heartache. We, ourselves, don't want it. The life instinct must be present in each of us, that's what keeps us alive, we try to find a source of life which is different from each other. Jonghyun tried to bear it by the happiness of others, by making others value what they had, by making them better for more. Me, I just want it to be real, I don't want to live in deception anymore, I don't want to pretend for more, I don't want daydreaming about fairy tale, I hate dreaming about happiness because it won't exist for me, I just simply want my life to not be artificial, I just want it. And even now, I still despise happiness, I ever thought to come to a psychologist to ask them so they consult me how I get rid of happiness. I don't want the happiness to exist, in my point of view. By acknowledge happiness, it means I also recognize sadness. I don't want those two.

I WAS—AND SOMETIMES STILL—ALONE BY MYSELF (Well, I know everyone ever had that passed of alone-ness too). I was alone for so many fucking years, for real. And I didn't tell nobody. I never.

The first time, I told it was around...well within this 6 years when I was in my previous campus. At that time, I already managed to pull myself out of that despair. I already resurrected myself all over again from the graves of my previous souls. I nourished myself with those artificial positive thoughts again and again.

And the reason why I was opened is that...I was in psychology majoring bachelor degree, that I acknowledged a bit more scientifically about mental illnesses and I meet some amazing people that worth to be trusted. I was suffered from depression and maybe some mental illnesses combined with personality disorders, mood disorders, and OCD.

But, still...suffering from a long time depression is a real disaster. Even if I got supported already by those heartwarming circles, real people as real friends, positive thoughts, and positive agendas, several achievements both academically and non-academically, wiser version of me...I'm still at a mess. My mind still wondered HOW WORTHLESS I AM. When I swing into that phase, I started to realize my hardworking is a futile, I turned into a gloomy one, AGAIN.

It can't be cured...easily, guys. Even now, even in these days, where I finally am able to know my worth, realized my potential, sharpen my own barrier against negativity, pieces of me still threatened by that. I still have my mood swings that eventually reducing so much except for humanitarian issues & the dearest people of mine, I still have a low level of OCD, and a bit of other.

Scientifically nih ya, dari piramid Maslow, seorang tokoh psikologis, kita menyadari ada 5 kebutuhan hidup yang sebenarnya harus kita miliki (terlepas dari agama). Those depressive people are suffering because they lack of one or some of those unfulfilled stages of pyramid. Kita tidak dapat langsung menyalahkan bahwa mereka lemah. Kita belum tau bagaimana mereka menjalani hidup, bagaimana lingkungan mereka. Tidak semerta-merta semua hal terjadi karena satu sebabmusabab. Ada banyak hal lain yang saling berkaitan. Stop berpikiran picik membabibuta yang langsung menyalahkan orang bunuh diri. Mereka memang salah dalam mengambil keputusan akhir secara agama (Islam, saya tidak tau bagaimana dengan pandangan agama lain). Tapi, kesalahan mereka yang kalian point out tersebut tidak semata-mata membuat kalian benar. Ingatlah, mungkin dari kalian sendiri pernah stres atau bahkan depresi karena suatu hal. Nyaman kah berada dalam situasi tersebut? Bahagia kah kalian jika kalian di judge kurang iman, lemah, dan disepelekan? Atau mungkin kalian yang suka asal tunjuk bahkan merupakan salah seorang dari penyebab kenapa orang lain menjadi depresi. Who knows kan? Jika kalian adalah salah satu penyebabnya, masihkah pantas kalian membawa label agama kepada mereka ketika nyatanya kalian sendiri berbuat dzalim kepada jiwa mereka?

Ketahuilah, depressive people just need to be listened. Jika tiba-tiba teman kalian bercerita hal yang amat mengejutkan gloomynya, jangan dipermainkan. Lihat konteksnya, lihat cara penyampaiannya, berpikirlah lebih jauh dan mendalam, jangan mentang-mentang itu teman kalian maka kalian bisa seenaknya nyerocos. Siapa tau dia memang sedang dalam masa down yang amat sangat. I never told about my depressive feeling to others after 20 years because I know it will be belittled. Nah, jika seseorang bercerita kepadamu, dengarkan dengan seksama, mereka hanya butuh didengarkan, itu artinya mereka percaya, mereka masih punya keinginan dan sedikit kepercayaan untuk dibagi dengan orang lain. Hal yang bagimu sepele seperti itu jangan diremehtemehkan. Because you don't know how priceless it is for depressive people, a little bit of help, a shoulder to lean on and time to spare for them. It helps so fucking much dude.

Bersyukurlah kamu jika kamu normal, jika hidupmu senantiasa luwes meskipun berbenturan dengan masalah-masalah. Beryukurlah kamu jika kamu punya banyak amunisi dukungan dari sekitarmu. Bersyukurlah kamu jika kamu punya segala potensi, daya upaya, sumber daya untuk dapat memerangi penyakit psikologis yang amat abstrak dan sulit atau bahkan ada yang hampir mustahil untuk dipulihkan. Bersyukurlah atas semua itu jika kamu baik-baik saja. Maka, jika kamu lebih baik dari orang yang depresi, janganlah kamu menyepelekan mereka, menjudge mereka, menasehati mereka dari segi pengalamanmu dengan gampangnya, karena masalah jiwa tidak seremehtemeh itu, kawan. Tidak semudah ketika kamu bisa berutang dengan temanmu saat lupa bayar kos'an, tidak semudah menghubungi temanmu untuk minta bantuan, tidak semudah mencari pelarian ketika butuh kesenangan. Mental health issues aren't something you can underestimate. Kamu tidak bisa berutang separuh jiwa dan secercah kebahagiaan pada temanmu ketika kamu jatuh, tidak semudah menghubungi dan bercerita lantas semua rasa sesak di dada akan sirna. Depression is consuming the very essence of someone's soul and reason for live for real.

And my little advice, personal experience from me, jangan pernah sekali-kali mengatakan bahwa mereka adalah beban. I was once being told by someone dear to me as a burden. I was a burden.

I was a burden for that person. I was.

And you know what? And you know what happened to me at that time, when previously I was able to lift up my life, find positive auras from myself and others? My value of my very existence at that time turned to zero, AGAIN.

It was the most hurtful word ever and became unbearable because it was told by someone dear to me. I'm a burden. Thanks to you, I recalled all of the despair I had. I replayed again it in my head so fast. I suffered from a short-term depression again, it's such a nostalgic feeling you know.

Don't ever tell it, NEVER, please guys. They already know that they're a burden even to themselves. They blame themselves much already. They despise their own being already. Don't you dig the grave for them.

And if you wonder if I am okay, right now? I will reply with a smile.

Regards, from someone who pour thoughts and experience in her blog posts that love to love nothing and embrace everything.